This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the magician neighbor’s performing rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the magician is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the magician’s house, hoping he will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the magician is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that Presto my magic rabbit died?” The guy stumbles around and says, “Um.. no.. um.. what happened?” The magician replies, “I just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after I buried him I went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!”
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Q) Do you know how a Magician is like a broken camera?
A) Neither does exposure. 

Q) How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb. 
A) Seven! One to change the light bulb, four to tell him he flashed and two to tell everyone else how he did it! 

Q) How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A) One to change it while everyone else hangs back and discusses how they'd have done it better.

Q) How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A) That depends on what you want to change it into?

Q) How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A) Two! One to do it and one to run around shouting, "I can do that!!"

Q) How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A) Two - One to do it and one to run around shouting, "I invented that!"

Q) How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A) One magician to pose and strut, two assistants to prance and misdirect and one assistant to do the dirty work. 

Q) How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A) None! It's Maaaaaaagic!

Q) How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A) Teller knows, but he ain't talkin'.

Q) Who can lose a thumb and not bother with the emergency room? 
A) A Magician!

Q) How do you get a professional magician off your doorstep?
A) Pay him for the pizza.

Q) What's the difference between a professional magician and a pizza?
A) A pizza can feed a family of four.

Q) What's the difference between a magician and a pizza?
A) Everyone loves pizza!

Q) How do you get a magician to show you 100 card tricks?
A) Ask him to show you One!

Q) A fellow with a rabbit-in-hat pin on his lapel and a fellow with a magic wand under his arm are waiting for a cab. Which one is the magician? 
A) The cab driver. 

Q) What is a magic fisherman's favorite line? 
A) Pick a cod...any cod.

Q) Why do ghosts make such poor magicians? 
A) You can see right through their tricks.

Q) What is the difference between a magician and a parrot? 
A) One is loud and obnoxious. The other one is a bird.

Q) Why did the ship's captain send 200 magicians to the bottom of the ocean?
A) Someone told him magicians were really good people deep down.

Q) What do you call an Asian who performs magic for a living?
A) A Magician, you racist!

Q) What's better than a mentalist falling out of a window?
A) Having another one standing right beneath him.
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Voice Mail Fun: Hello, this is [Name]. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?

Voice Mail Fun: (Classical Music) Hello, this is my voice mail. (Heavy Metal Music) This is my voice mail on drugs.  Any message?

Voice Mail Fun: Hello. In order to verify callers, please answer the following algebraic question: How much is 5Q plus 5Q? (Pause for answer-10Q) You're welcome. You may now leave a message.

Voice Mail Fun: (Game Show Announcer Voice) Hello and thanks for joining Phone Tag! Leave your message and we'll try to reach you when you're not around! Thanks for playing Phone Tag!

Voice Mail Fun: (Slow Monotone) Focus on my voice. Your eyelids are growing heavy. You feel sleepy. You are spiraling under my irresistible power. At the tone you will feel compelled to cluck like a chicken and leave your name, number and message.  

Voice Mail Fun: (Grumpy) Hello. This is [Name]'s voice. [Name] isn't here right now. When he gets home, you can bet that I'll have a few choice words for him leaving me cooped up in this box all day. Wanna join in? Leave a message!

Voice Mail Fun: (PBS Pledge Voice) Hi! This is [Name]! Thank you for calling during my Spring Pledge Drive!  A pledge of $10 gets you an "I Love [Name]" drink cozee. $30 gets you an "I Love [Name]" T-Shirt. A pledge of $60 or more guarantees that I'll return this call!  Leave a message and thanks for your pledge!

Voice Mail Fun: Knock Knock!  (Pause as caller thinks, 'Who's There?') Isn't that my question? Leave a message!

Voice Mail Fun: Hello! You've reached [Name]'s phone. He's not here right now. At least I don't think he is.  Hold on...(back away from phone)...Hey, [Name]! Dude! You home? You gotta call here! (Pause) Nope, just as I thought, he's not here. Leave a message and I'll try to remember to give it to him when he shows up. 

Voice Mail Fun: Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Voice Mail Fun: Hello! You're on the air with WRAL Radio! What's your name, caller? (Pause) What are your thoughts on today's topic? (Pause)

Voice Mail Fun: Hi there! Before you leave your message, think of a card...any card.  Got one? Good! Now think about that card! Picture it in your mind! Excellent! Are you ready? The card you're thinking of is...[Beep]

Voice Mail Fun: Hi, you've reached [Name], Master Mentalist! Please think your message at the beep.

Voice Mail Fun: Hi! I'm not home right now. I'm over at Mike Gorman's house with five other guys helping him change a light bulb. Leave a message.
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Poor Magician Sales Tactic #1: Let's meet so you can oooo and ahhh over my extensive experience.
Poor Magician Sales Tactic #2: I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
Poor Magician Sales Tactic #3: I became a magician because previous employers suggested that I not work with people.
Poor Magician Sales Tactic #4: My goal was to become a comedian, but since I have no training as a comedian I became a magician.
Poor Magician Sales Tactic #5: In my free time I donate blood. I'm up to fourteen gallons, so far.
Poor Magician Sales Tactic #6: My comedy guillotine effect kills...well, just that once, really. 
Poor Magician Sales Tactic #7:  I'm a full time performer. Feel free to leave a message on my mother's voice mail. 
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This guy was walking one day when he saw a frog. The frog said, "Hey mister, I'm really a princess. If you kiss me I will turn back into a princess and you will be a prince." The guy said, "Coooool!", put the frog in his pocket and walked on down the road. A little while later he took the frog out and looked at it again. This time the frog said, "Really, I'm a princess. If you kiss me you will be a prince and you will be rich." The guy said, "Coooool!", put the frog in his pocket and walked on down the road. A little while he took the frog out again. This time the frog said, "Hey mister, whats up? Why won't you kiss me?". The guy said, "Look, I'm a close-up magician. I'm not interested in being a prince, or being rich. But a talking frog, now that's Cooool!" 
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Did you hear about the magician that was driving down the road and turned into a driveway?
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A juggler is sent to hell for his sins. As he is being taken to his place of eternal torment, he sees a magician doing card tricks for a beautiful woman. "What a rip-off," the juggler muttered. I have to roast for all of eternity, and that magician gets to spend his time doing card tricks for a beautiful woman!" Jabbing the juggler with his pitchfork, the devil snarled: "Who are you to question this woman's punishment?"
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A dad signs his son up for magic summer camp.  After the first day Dad asks, "What did you do at summer camp today?" His son replies, "I learned how to make a coin disappear and then make it re-appear from someones ear!" The next day Dad asks, "What did you learn in your magic class today?" The son replies, "We learned a card trick. I have you pick a card put it back into the deck, mix it up, and I can find the card." On the third day Dad asks, "What did you learn in magic class today?" The son says, "I couldn't make it to class today. I had a gig..."
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Close-up magician Dave calls his best friend and fellow magician Joe:
Dave: "Joe! My wife is dying and I need to get special medicine to save her life! I need to borrow a hundred dollars!" 
Joe: "Dave, I'd lend you the money, but I’m worried you’ll just blow it on magic props.”
Dave: “No I won’t. I already have the money for props!”
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A magician walks into a magic shop and spots a small plastic rabbit-in-a-hat ornament. He buys it and walks out of the store with his prize under his arm.  He begins to notice a few stray rabbits following him. A few blocks later he notices several dozen more rabbits following him. Suddenly, rabbits begin hopping towards him from all directions. The magician panics and runs frantically towards a bridge spanning a large river. He scrambles out onto the bridge with thousands of rabbits right behind him in hot pursuit. Figuring that the ornament from the magic shop is jinxed, he tosses it into the river. The vast herd of rabbits dives into the river after the ornament and drowns! Thoroughly relieved, the magician staggers back to the magic shop. "Ah ha!" says the man behind the counter, "You've come back for something else?" "Yes," says the rumpled and haggard magician, gasping for breath and wiping sweat from his brow. "Do you have another one of those ornaments in a mime or juggler theme?" 
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A close-up magician, illusionist and a mentalist apply for a job with the city police. The police recruiter decides to est their powers of observation. He shows the close-up magician a photograph of a suspect for five seconds, then puts the photo behind his back.  "What can you tell me to help us find this person?" The close-up magician replies, "He’ll be easy to find!  He only has one eye!" The recruiter sputters, "It's a profile photo!" He then shows the same photograph to the illusionist and asks, "What can you tell me about the man in the photo?" The illusionist replies, "He has only one ear!" The recruiter replies "It’s a profile! You’re totally wrong!" He turns to the mentalist, shows the same photograph for five seconds and says, "Think before you answer. What can you tell me about the man in the photograph?" The mentalist closes his eyes and thinks hard before replying, "The man in the photograph wears contact lenses." The recruiter is amazed. "You're right! How could you possibly know that?" The mentalist replies, "Easy!  With only one eye and one ear, he couldn’t possibly wear glasses!" 
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TOP TEN MAGICIAN'S PET PEEVES! 
10. Stores that won't accept change pulled from people's ears! 
9. We have a cold and all our handkerchiefs keep turning into doves! 
8. When our plumber says, "You're the magician, you unclog it!" 
7. We continuously find rabbit droppings in all of our favorite hats!
6. We keep forgetting to put our money in the non-flame side of our wallet!
5. People keep laughing during the dramatic parts of our show.
4. We habitually mumble Abracadabra in our sleep and when we wake up our furniture is gone - Again!
3. Accidentally mess up sawing-in-half ONE time and we're suspended! 
2. When we read minds all we seem to get is "Magicians suck!" 
1. The phrase, "Can you do that Criss Angel trick where he..."
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You might be a Magician, if...
...You carefully examine the change in your pocket before spending it.
...You bottom deal when playing Go Fish. 
...You always carry a deck of cards around with you. 
...You keep a deck of cards, some half dollars, or some quarters within arms reach of the toilet. 
...Your nightmares include hecklers. 
...You take the Loops off your wrist before stepping into the shower. 
...You forget you are wearing a thumb tip until you have trouble typing. 
...Your local magic shop is #1 on your speed dial. 
...You habitually replace Ace, Jack, Queen and King for the numbers 1, 11, 12 and 13. 
...The only straight forks in your house are plastic. 
...A tissue instantly appears when you sneeze. 
...Shuffling a new deck brings tears to your eyes. 
...You're missing a card and find it in a guy's pocket across the room. 
...You spend Fifty Bucks for a half dollar. 
...You think that a Bike is a deck of cards. 
...Your water and soda bottles all have the cap floating inside. 
...Your left hand is habitually formed in a mechanics grip...even without cards. 
...You have more decks of cards than you've had hot dinners. 
...All the bills in your wallet have someone's name written across the front. 
...You Tenkai Palm your Pop Tarts. 
...You have an ace of spades taped to the back window of your car. 
...You look for your cards on the ceiling of the mall. 
...You can't go out in public without being asked to levitate. 
...All your pocket change is bent. 
...Your friends zealously guard their forks when you dine together. 
...Your wallet flashes into flame when you open it.  
...You find signed cards in every soup can you open. 
...The term "cups and balls" doesn't make you snicker. 
...You have a chip in your tooth from biting the wrong quarter. 
...Everything you see makes you think of how to vanish, palm or produce it. 
...Throwing away a deck of cards brings a tear to your eye. 
...You buy your clothes based on how many props they can carry. 
...You have a problem counting four cards. 
...You fear metal detectors. 
...You watch card scenes in films intently to see what brand of cards they're using. 
...All of your friends run screaming from the room whenever you pull out a deck of cards.   
...You refer to everyday objects as "ordinary" and "normal."  
...You habitually lift doubles while playing "Go Fish!” 
....You habitually palm every coin you receive as change. 
...You have 101 retorts for the question "How did you do that?" 
...You have a pet named "Houdini". 
...You own a straight jacket. 
...No one will play cards with you. 
...You back-palm your movie ticket and produce it out of thin air. 
...Someone asks for a piece of rope and you pull one from your sleeve. 
...You happily pay more for blank cards than the printed ones. 
...All your coins are signed by other people. 
...After viewing magic on TV, everyone in the room looks at you and asks, " How'd they do that?" and all you do is smile and say, "Magicians can't tell" when what you're really thinking is "How the heck did they do that?" 
...You can say with full honesty that you handle a bike better than Lance Armstrong. 
...You'd rather steal a watch than ask someone for the time. 
...You drive 4 hours to work a 45-minute job. 
...Airport Screeners mouth "What the @#$%?" as they x-ray your carry on. 
...You allow time for a 20-minute impromptu magic show at the x-ray station whenever you fly. 
...Your wife is always shouting, "Shut those doves up!" 
...Your daughter shows you a shell she found on the beach and you look down expecting to see a coin. 
...You pose for photos with one eyebrow raised. 
...You live for lectures. 
...Your idea of impressing a girl involves knuckle-rolling a half dollar. 
...All the entries in your address book begin with "The Amazing..." or end with "...The Great!" 
...You consider " Bikes and Ho's" to be a perfectly normal phrase.
...You can name the L&L audience members. 
...Your penmanship is better with a Swami gimmick than with a regular pen. 
...Your son's first ball came with a vase instead of a glove. 
...Your wife gets that " Oh, Lord. Not Again!" look every time you walk into the room with a deck of cards.
...You remember every one of your pocket tricks...but, forget your wallet. 
...The phrase " Square Circle" makes perfect sense to you.
...Your home furniture includes Ethan Allen, Ikea and Sub Trunk. 
...You always have to explain the circular vanishing cane scars on your palm. 
...Your bedroom side tables are Lefler Tables. 
...You know the proper way to pronounce " Dai."
...You know that Elsmley Count is not a royal title. 
...You've spent hundreds of dollars on something you've never used. 
...Your favorite shopping day is the day after Hallowe'en. 
...Your coat tails move and coo. 
...Your wife mentions a face lift and you turn over a card. 
...One sponge banana is never enough. 
...You do a flawless Miser's Dream and, still, you're always broke. 
...Your last name ends in ' I'. 
...You volunteer to clean bathrooms at The Castle. 
...Your friends all subconsciously hold their wallets and watches when you enter a room. 
...You can never have too many thumb tips. 
...You can rattle off a Si Stebbins setup but you can't remember your wife's birthday. 
...You walk through the Dollar Store touching everything with a magnet. 
...You hang out in the restroom during intermission hoping for something you can use in that second act mentalist bit. 
...Your wedding ring opens and closes. 
...Your mother introduces you as, "My son, the...mmmmmm..." 
...Your parents take you to People's Court for their college tuition money. 
...Your Friday Morning gig is the unemployment line. 
...You hand every waitress a pearl poodle. 
...In an emergency, instead of flashlights, you use D'Lites. 
...You push your kids to constantly drop your name around school. 
...You're broke and you check your thumb tips for loose cash. 
...You've ever tried to explain the cut-up corners, holes and signatures covering your dollar bills to a bank teller. 
...You buy Testor's matte clear spray paint by the caseload and you've never assembled a model in your life. 
...The cleaners call and ask, "Sir, do you want this dove pressed, too?" 
...Your pockets are full of money you can never spend. 
...Tableware always sticks to your ring. 
...You're sitting here reading this on a Saturday night. 


The teacher was discussing different jobs held by the parents of the students. When she called on Little Johnny, she asked, “And what does your father do?”
“Oh, he’s a magician,” replied Johnny.
“Really? And what’s his best trick?”
“His best trick is sawing people in half.”
“Wonderful!” exclaimed the teacher. “Tell me, are there any more children in your family?”
“Yes ma’am, I have a half brother and two half sisters.”
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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show. “Look, it’s not the same hat!” “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?” The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said, “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”
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A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. “I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.” The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?” The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: “‘Hair Spray’ Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave.”
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During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, “How’d you do that?”
“I could tell you, sir”, the magician answered, “But then I’d have to kill you.”
After a short pause, the man yelled back, “Ok, then… just tell my wife!”
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When I was a child my mother asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said “A Magician”. She said, “You can’t do both”.
I told my mother "You know, I've half a mind to become a professional magician".  She said "That should do"...
I was mugged by a magician once. He took my wallet, my watch and every quarter from behind my ear! 
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A State Trooper pulled a car and asked the driver why he was speeding. The driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler, and he was on his way to a show and didn’t want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he would not give him a ticket. The driver told the trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk got out, and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there’s no way I can pass that test!”
   

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